i vow to you…

i promise to never forget,
that this is a once in a lifetime love.
i vow to love you, and no matter
what challenges might carry us apart,
we will always find our way back to each other…

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leaves of grass

whoever you are holding me now in hand,
without one thing all will be useless
I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.
who is he that would become my follower?
who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?
the way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive.
you would have to give up all else,
I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard,
your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
the whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the
lives around you have to be abandoned
therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further
let go your hand from my shoulder,
put me down and depart on your way…

Walt Whitman

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My heart and Soul

Logan Banner

The 1st letter to my little angel Logan – you are my gift from God, something I will be eternally grateful for.I should have written to you a long time ago but things have been a little messed up. I wasn’t sure where things were going with Mom and I so I also did not want to preempt things.

There are a few things I need you to know – I will be sharing these with you in a few letter, there’s just too much to get down all at once ;-)

Well lets start at the start with some of the more important things xxx I know you are still too young to understand whats going on at the moment but I know that someday you’ll find this and hopefully it help you understand a little more about where your old man was coming from :) I never meant for things to go the way they have, I did try with all I had.  

Some of the most important things I am ever going tell you, I am go to tell you now…

‘My intentions for you were always good’ (and they always will be) I may have made many mistakes along the way (far too many :)) but that was my own fault, I choose to internalize and try deal with situations on my own instead of reaching out for help. I have never really able to open myself up enough and have also not trusted enough to let people in to help – a mistake I hope you never make. This is also the reasons my life has unraveled in the way it has (the main reason) But through all of this and even at my lowest point I have never (not even for one second) loved you any less than I do. I have never loved another as much as I do you…I promise you (God alone knows this) You are my heart and my soul, you have been since the day we found out about you and will be for eternity – I love you SO much.

I can also make you another promise…that there is someone else that feels as deeply as I do… – Your Mother…I can’t describe in words how deeply she loves you. She is smitten to say the least ;-)

Please also know that although Dad isn’t with you as often he would like to be (I wish with all my heart that I could see you every day) I still think of you every second of every minute.You are reason I still love.

I will write again soon my Princess.

I Love you forever.

Dad

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Logan Peyton

Characteristics of a narcissistic mother:

  • The socially engaged mombecomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, or at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.
  • She makes you feel like a failure: if you’re not doing what she wants right now.Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like her needs are at the utmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
  • She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother.  It’s not above her to compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.
  • She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She ischarismatic, smiles and even holds chats with them while saving her criticism and opinions for the house.
  • She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get a validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
  • She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.
  • The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.  

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The mother of my child to the-T.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

honest heart

An honest heart is an open heart. If we are dishonest in any way with ourselves or with others, it means we are in hiding. There is a wall, a barrier behind which we conceal something of ourselves. Subtle tension will be our companion, and while most of us learn to live with it, it drains our energy and tightens our muscles. On the other hand don’t be too honest with others – feel their pulse – sometimes others are not ready to hear what’s in your heart. But know that when you are honest you will experience a level of inner relaxation that you had forgotten was even possible.

manage emotions

When the energy of our consciousness is out of our control – the mind is agitated. We are being emotional. The solution is to detach from the inner storms, stand back and observe the hurricane pass. Detached observation withdraws the energy which your emotions require to sustain themselves. When you watch your own anger, it dies. If you don’t detach from it, and observe it …it will be your master.